It Takes One To Know One
by You'veBeenJayed
Summary: Izaya doesn't know how to deal with his emotions. The humans really do hate him, don't they? They never really will ever love him, will they? Is he really a monster like they say? In that case, only a monster can save a monster.. Shizaya friendship.


_**It Takes One To Know One**_

"I hate you."

Ah, such a simple phrase. Such a simple, cruel, heart-breaking phrase. It's been tossed around gently, jokingly, and menacingly. Izaya was well aware of the feeling of that phrase, the intensity behind each of the three words. 'Hate' would always be more emphasized than the others just to dig the dagger into him deeper, if that was ever possible. He bet the ones saying those cruel, cruel words were hurting. He bet they were angry. He bet they thought they were being brave, saying such gutsy things to such a powerful man, a man of that held a very bad place in their hearts, but never stayed in their nightmares for long. Izaya never did stay in a thought for very long.

Izaya would smile at this phrase. Nobody cared enough to see past the smile, see all the way to those empty eyes of his where the emotion did not meet his facial expression. He was the cool, calm, suave type. He was not the type to show his true self. He was a walking facade. And that was fine. That was okay.

The reason Izaya would never hold a grudge nor threaten the one who spoke this phrase with such venom is because they were only human. And Izaya loved humans. He loved humans very, very much. He was obsessed with humans so much, in fact, that his very being, his very existence, relied on their own existence in his life. Although he never had any friends-Shinra hardly counted as anything more than an acquaintance, especially after high school-and no family to return to every day when he got home from work, it never seemed to bother him. Keyword being _seemed._ But the cold truth of the matter was that there were many things that bothered him. Humans, especially. Well, humans specifically.

"You're a monster, Izaya."

The raven's lips would upturn into that cold, empty smirk, while his insides ran cold. He was never one to show his true emotions, especially not in front of his precious humans. What would they think of him if they knew just how weak he truly was? They would look down on him. Not in pity, but in disgust. And that was just unacceptable. But it bothered him. It bothered him more than anything else in the entire world. Hatred. That word. That _damn_ word.

"Why does it hurt so much?" Izaya blinked and looked around his empty office, the words that were hardly above a whisper gone before they were hardly even registered, but still left to echo in his mind, tugging at his subconscious. It took him more than a minute to realize that the one who had spoken these strange words had been himself. The realization threw him off-guard-which did not happen very often, mind you-and he was left unsure on how to deal with such a revelation.

So it did hurt, he realized. The thought that he loved humans with more passion than he loved himself, the thought that the very creatures he relied on to give his life meaning, would never ever return his feelings. Quite the contrary, they hated him. They hated his guts. They all hated him. Not just one or two or three, but all of them. He would bet on it. Even people who didn't know him yet probably hated him somehow without even realizing it; or, well, at least the thought of him.

He didn't like being called a monster either. That thought made him raise out of his seat with rage, nearly knocking his seat over in the process. It made him glare across the empty room into nothingness. He was not a monster. There was only one monster in this world and that position belonged to none other than Shizzy-chan. But no, Izaya could never be mad at his precious humans. He couldn't blame them for their harsh insinuations. He could only blame himself for being who he was. He didn't like who he was very much. If the humans hated him, then he hated himself.

Suddenly, Izaya found himself walking out of his office. "Then why am I here?" he whispered under his breath, hardly registering that he was even doing it. He hardly registered anything he was doing. His body seemed to be moving robotically, numbly, while his thoughts focused on the swelled up emotions inside of him rather than where he was going or for what reason. They were spilling over and that was dangerous. Those emotions-those fucking _horrible_ emotions-kept him up at night, tossed and turned within him, begging him for release. But it never came because by the time he'd awake from the nightmares, he'd forget. He'd force it on himself. He'd hold his head and smile into the bathroom mirror and convince himself that that unrecognizable reflection was just as human as anyone else and not monstrous in the least, that his precious humans had to love him because he was human himself. When that didn't work, he would convince himself of other things. He'd tell himself that they might not return his love now, but in time, with enough push, they would eventually see him for who he really, truly was past that empty smirk and those uselessly cold words. They would see that he hurt them because he loved them.

But now, that word just wouldn't get out of his head. It repeated over and over and over and over and-

_Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate._

They really meant that, didn't they? He took a sharp turn, scaling the edge of the bridge he didn't even know he was on. Cars passed by, his black attire in the middle of the night made him nearly invisible to those who weren't looking out for him. He was out of their way, though. He was one stumble to falling clean off the side of the bridge and into the sea. And he hadn't a clue.

The humans. They really, truly, honestly hated him. They weren't playing a cruel joke on him. They weren't faking it. They weren't going to have some sort of sudden realization that he really does love them and come flying to his feet.

"And nobody will care." He stopped suddenly, a gasp catching in his throat as a cold wind chilled his body. He took a shocked look at his surroundings, as if he'd been sleep-walking and had just woken up. He took a glance over the bridge's guardrail, leaning over to catch sight of the undulating waves below him. It was as if they were welcoming him, calling to him. He thought he could see himself in them, a smile on his face as he faded out from the world. After all, he was already gone from the existence of those who mattered to him, so what would it matter?

"I love humans," he said aloud. There was no smile on his face, no emotion in his eyes. "Humans hate me." His hands were shaking. His entire body was shaking so uncontrollably that for a moment the numbness wore off and he felt truly afraid. This was too new. He was freaking out. All these emotions that he'd so successfully bitten down for so long were suddenly bursting to the surface-too quickly for him to control-and that scared him. He had no control of his emotions, no control of his body or his mind, no control of himself. "I hate me." No control of the foreign-sounding words that spilled carelessly from his mouth.

And yet, he couldn't help but find one of those horrible thoughts that crossed his mind as something odder than the rest. One thought that stood out from the others. _"I hate you, flea."_ It said. But the voice didn't bother him one bit. In fact, when he heard it, the emotion reached his ears. They didn't reach his heart. The words gave him no pain. He wondered, briefly, why that must be, but the question was easily answered. They didn't come from a beloved human-they came from a monster. "Ah, yes. A monster. Like me."

Izaya lifted himself up onto the guardrail, sitting on it now with his feet dangling carelessly over the edge. All it would take now it just one little push... He sniffed, the emotions getting the better of him, wavering the facade. But he bit it back. He had to hold it off for just a little longer. He couldn't let his precious humans see him in that weakened state. He couldn't handle the thought that they would enjoy it. However, he took the time to close his eyes and focus more on that one thought, that odd one out. He envisioned the situation in his mind. The blond hair, the gruff voice, the over-sized objects being tossed at him with inhuman force... Those eyes that showed no true emotion whenever their owner so carelessly said he hated him. Izaya thought he might smile, but it was pained. The other thoughts were over-riding that one warm feeling, pushing it out of the way, shoving the worse emotions to the top. He didn't know what to do with this feeling. He felt so genuinely _helpless._ So very _alone._

But not empty. He felt too overloaded with emotions to be empty.

"Hey, flea! What'd I tell you about being in Ikebukuro?" Izaya hardly registered the voice that seemed so far away. He swore he was just imagining it. It almost-almost-brought a smile to his face, but a mere illusion wasn't enough to evoke any true emotions. His face was wavering, his lips twitching into a spastic frown rather than any sort of smile. He didn't know what to do. He looked back down into the water. "Didn't you hear me? I'll kill you!" Heh, there it was again. That illusion. It was nice to hear that voice. It intrigued him to realize that in his moment of greatest emotional breakdown, that the voice of a monster was the only thing that could even remotely comfort him.

_"I hate you."_

But it wouldn't be enough. Izaya edged himself a little closer. "Hey, what're you-Izaya!" He'd shoved himself off the edge and shut his eyes just as he felt the first drops of liquid reach his eyes. He would not allow them. He would not. But rather than feeling the sudden rush of water in his throat and in his lungs, he felt nothing more than the cool breeze and a strong tugging at the back of his neck. He kept his eyes closed, wondering if he was simply having another illusion. The thought brought him another fleeting sensation of panic, causing him to flail and try to get away from whatever invisible being was holding him back from doing what he felt had to be done. He was afraid to open his eyes and find that he wasn't actually standing over the bridge, that he was actually in the middle of a crowd of all the wonderful humans he loved so much, watching him in his weakness, laughing at him, mocking him, cheering him on. Shouting _hate, hate, hate hate-_

"Izaya! Snap the hell out of it!"

Izaya stopped trying to get away, but he did not open his eyes. They were shut tightly, the only dams keeping out the pathetic display of waterfalls that wanted so badly to be freed. He was nearly hyperventilating and his fingernails were digging in the palms of his hands, causing them to bleed. His feet were on solid ground now and there was a strong pressure on his shoulders shaking him back and fourth hard enough to nearly snap his neck, but he hardly registered any of it.

"The humans hate me," he gasped. "Th-they hate m-me..." His voice wavered dangerously and he took in another deep breath, his entire body shaking with the movement. "I'm...m-monster..."

The shaking stopped, but the pressure never left his shoulders. Instead, he felt a new, softer pressure on his cheek. The strange feelings caught him by enough surprise to suddenly open his eyes. The red-tinted eyes met with golden browns. This was no illusion. There was a monster staring him in the face. He was in his grip. He was weak and defenseless and humiliated and...and so many other horrible things his mind kept forcing him to think of. But he could not force himself away. He could not force himself to take the few steps back to jump into that water and float carelessly away. He could not force himself to look past the monster's eyes to see if there were humans watching with malicious glee at his torture.

"Sh-shizzy...ch-chan-" And then it happened. He couldn't control it anymore. His weaknesses took over and the tears spilled from his eyes. His knees knocked together and he dropped to the ground, no longer able to support himself. He felt like he'd been smacked in the face with so much emotional intensity...all of which he had no idea how to deal with. He gasped and his entire body shook as he gripped onto the monster who came down with him. Shizuo said nothing. He didn't laugh, he didn't talk, he didn't even smile. He held tightly onto Izaya's shoulders. Izaya, in return, threw his arms around the other man and didn't let go. His body shook with the sobs and his usually smooth and stable voice fell into a series of whimpers. He could do nothing, but...but his mind was blank. He wasn't thinking about all those humans that hated him. He wasn't thinking about how horrible it was to realize that he was a monster. He was just there, in that moment, releasing all those pent up emotions until he couldn't move anymore.

Izaya couldn't be sure how long they stayed like that, but he couldn't remember much of what happened after that. He ended up passing out, his body going weak and his mind fading from consciousness from the lack of sleep. When he awoke, he was in a foreign bed. Upon further inspection, he noticed Shizuo fast asleep in a chair next to him. It didn't take long to realize where he was. Izaya sat there motionlessly for a few extra moments. His usually quick and calculating mind didn't seem to want to work. No words came to mind, no memories, no visions, no thoughts. It was like a blank slate. He didn't have amnesia-no, he could remember his life quite clearly. But, for some reason, there were no emotions behind anything.

A phrase passed through his mind. _"I hate you." _And he realized it didn't matter to him. It didn't bother him in the least. It didn't make him happy, but it didn't make him sad. It was a perfect Izaya-esque response: carelessness. A human had told him she hated him and he did not care. He didn't know what else to do about that, but he didn't care enough to wonder why he so suddenly felt this way, so void of emotions.

Then his eyes trailed over to the sleeping blond in the chair nearby and an emotion suddenly overtook him. He felt warmth. He felt good. He felt...love? No, not in the romantic sense. Izaya was unable to love romantically (_monsters are incapable of love_, his mind plainly pointed out without a care in the world towards the trigger word 'monster'). But the feeling was there. The familiar feeling.

Shizuo's eyes opened groggily. When he glanced over and saw Izaya staring over at him, he yawned and straightened himself up, suddenly feeling a little awkward over the situation. He wasn't sure what to think about the previous night's events. Izaya had...well he was going to... Well, that didn't matter. What mattered was that Izaya hadn't done any of that because he had gotten to him first.

"Tell me you hate me," Izaya suddenly said, throwing Shizuo off-guard.

Shizuo shot him a weird look. "What?" he asked, wondering if Izaya was emotionally stable yet. He highly doubted it, but nothing seemed to be wrong any more. If anything, he looked perfectly back to normal. Even his voice held that usual sort of tone to it that always made him grit his teeth with aggravation. He vaguely wondered what had caused him to help the flea out in the first place, but it was quickly dismissed because he already knew the answer to that question. It came to him the second Izaya had called himself a monster. Izaya had admitted to being on his level. It gave him a sense of purpose, a place to be in the world. He felt like he wasn't alone anymore, just by that one, simple statement said in the middle of one guy's emotional breakdown.

"You say it all the time," Izaya said evenly, his eyes never leaving Shizuo's form. "Tell me you hate me."

Shizuo wasn't sure what it was, but something had changed. Something so small that it nearly seemed insignificant...but if he were Izaya, he would realize that that would be wrong. The thing that had changed was not at all insignificant. It was very big indeed. "Alright," he started cautiously. "I hate you."

Izaya smiled. For one, fleeting moment Shizuo was sure he saw it in his eyes, but it was gone in an instant. The smile turned to a smirk as the raven got to his feet, his eyes never leaving the other man's. "Well, it's been nice, Shizzy-chan, but I must get going. I have things I need to do."

"Wait," Shizuo frowned, standing up. "What do you have to do?" He wasn't sure why he felt compelled to ask.

Izaya smirked back at him, shrugging casually. "Sleep, really. I'm still dreadfully tired." He took a few steps until he reached the door, where his hand hovered hesitantly over the doorknob. He waited a few seconds before turning back to look at Shizuo, those strange emotions darting across his eyes. Shizuo was watching carefully enough to just catch them. "You really are a monster, aren't you?

Shizuo shifted, but he couldn't help but grin. "Aren't you?" Inside, he was a little nervous. He wasn't sure how that would settle with Izaya. It could set him off all over again.

But nothing happened. "Yes, I suppose so." Izaya smiled. _Actually_ smiled. Izaya left Shizuo's home knowing that something had changed. Something had drastically, drastically changed. He did not care about humans. He did not care if they hated him. He did not care that they would never love him. _"I hate you,"_ Shizuo had said. But he hadn't meant it. He had never meant it. Not once. They were empty words that never reached his heart.

Because they were monsters. Together. They couldn't hate, but they could love each other.

**Ahh, I feel like I started out good and ended up horribly. Dx Let me know what you think! This is my first Drrr! fanfiction. It went differently than I originally intended, actually... This is the first fanfic I've written in the longest time, too. Feels good to get back into it, even if it does suck. I can almost guarantee more from me, though, for this fandom. Better stuff. Still! Read and Review!**


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